I have some very exciting news to share with my readers.
My daughter Stephanie, age 6, has just been informed that she will be admitted to the Oxford University class of 2024! What’s more, she’s been granted a full scholarship on the basis of her astonishing artistic talent (last week’s opus, “Car Made From Two Cardboard Boxes With Little Mermaid Plates For Wheels And Plastic Cups For Headlights”, has already been photographed for the cover of Artforum’s January issue), as well as being named a Fulbright Scholar for the year!
Some people might think that these awards and accolades are slightly premature, given that Stephanie was only 11 days into the first grade when the Oxford people began making their selections. Such resistance to the greatness and majesty of my daughter’s obvious, blinding talent is probably rooted in sexism. Clearly, when an artist and scholar of Stephanie’s power arrive on stage, quotidian considerations of measured accomplishment or observed success – on anything – must go by the boards, and only reactionaries rooted in an oppressive hegemony of dead white maleness would have any objection.
Since Oxford will be paying her full freight, she plans on using the Fulbright money to buy more Polly Pocket dolls. Even the greatest of our artists – and clearly, Stephanie has already ascended from merely human status into the realms of the demigods – continue to draw inspiration from the popular culture.
She might even create her next masterpiece around an Olympic theme.
